I’m having this debate with myself about my editing process for the next bit of my blog. I am not entirely comfortable putting my heart on the internet. My logs are an account of pain. The are completely uncensored. Evidently pain makes me extremely philosophical, so a lot of the writing might seem very confusing or off topic. Please keep in mind the logs: what happened that day, what happened before, and if you can…imagine being immobilized by pain.
Humans have deep senses. I am partially writing this to let people know it is okay to feel sad, to feel pain, to keep pushing. You can fearlessly take up the responsibility of your own pain. There is nothing wrong with having deep emotions and thoughts and sharing them is a way of letting others know that this is alright. I’m going to break some taboos. Deal with it.
In the past I have had strangers open up to me in a manner that made me uncomfortable. A life story or something personal that seemed to be obligating. The obligation is to care or give some energy to that stranger. I have met leeches that do this. Some people give and take, some people give, some people just take. I’m just giving. Read at your own risk. I promise that it won’t be too depressing. I’m the happiest, sad person you will ever know. I am not asking for help. I’ve already been helped by the people who love me. All I needed was for them to love me while I was absorbed in self-struggle.
I am going to talk about terms of existentialist struggle. There is no better situation for it and no better example. I want to re-think what it means to exist. Throughout my hike my perception of what it was to be alive completely changed. I want to understand why that was…what it meant- what it means to me now. I want to shout out to the entire world and say “WAKE UP! YOUR LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT IT IS.”
So when I write intense things do not feel sympathy for me. The intense pain and grief I felt came at the “price” of complete happiness and a life lived to it’s fullest potential. To be open to the world takes a great deal of strength. It can break people, and people can recover. Our society functions by keeping us fearful of breaking and keeps us from realizing that we have the ability to survive and recover- it keeps us from being empowered.
Anyone considering a thru-hike should think about the psychological and physical impacts of such a venture. Go at the right time-not when you think you should, but when you need to. And if you don’t need to go, please, please, please, don’t go to the woods and take it for granted. GO WITH RESPECT.
Some people went through their hikes without any transformation. Maybe in their lack of transformation they saw that something was off about them, in light of the life altering impacts it had on others. I’m interested in that. I’m interested in the stasis of those content chasing tail, parties or pleasure. I’m interested in their negative responses to struggle and the purist (one who walks every single mile of the Appalachian Trail) style. I’m interested in ego and the dissolution of ego . I hope I don’t give out any “bad” ideas because I am working through this. I have a lot of negative thoughts from the end of trail that have followed me home. I’m sure I had them before trail.
If you want to know my story from before trail, see my other blog:
It’s about living in the city: on the streets, in cars, on the road and (my least favorite) the horrors of renting in a place where land is in high demand. It’s about being arrested and mistreated by fellow humans who thought they could use the system to bolster their egos/power. It’s about anarchism and academia. It’s about my messy life before trail. And NO- I wasn’t some messed up chick on drugs looking for a life changing event to bring me back into the sweet realms of the social world. I’m happy outside, and I need to cope with that.