August 2, 2015
The last day my tent stood. RIP Easton
I wanted to record my worst days with selfies. I only took a couple on trail and some pictures of my feet.
Drugggggsssss…mostly vitamins. Magnesium and potassium partially saved my hike. Highly recommended for muscle pain or over-use injuries during times of extreme exertion.
Sunrise and Moonset Balance
Today I am watching the sunrise from Glastenbury Mtn. I can see Stratton off in the distance and the almost full, waning moon in nestled in the mountains to the West. I love watching the world come alive.
I can do this. I look northward and see myself there, moving along, alone. I am whole again after emerging from pain and distrust. I no longer feel divided between loving humans or nature as I did on the bus. I am free to love people as deeply and intensely as this world shivering around me. I forgive the selfishness of people as I forgive the indifference of nature.
Yesterday I was in town and a car stopped for my thumb- not to give an injured hiker a ride, but to give me a religious pamphlet “Jesus Loves You.” I broke down in tears at the inhumanity and carelessness as the car sped away. I used the flyer as fire kindling for the evening fire. Actions speak louder than words, and paper burns nice and warm. I don’t need religion to find peace with the world. All I need is a good sunrise and some solitude. I don’t need religion to see what I see right now and be completely humbled by it.
Today I feel like a different person. I feel as if I am the person I always should have been but hadn’t arrived yet or was held back by something. I cannot exist separately from all of this. There is no will, no struggle to be overcome, except maybe breakfast.
I am rising with the sun. I am happy to be back on trail.
This is what my hike is all about. How could I forget? I’ve got to hike my own hike and not lament what could have happened. Those thoughts could detract from everything that is happening. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world, because it would all be the same anyhow.
10 miles, Day 2
I almost didn’t stop today, but it would have put me on a twenty mile day over Stratton. I decided to play it safe and camp here for now. It’s about noon- this is going to be a long day. I am being anti-social for the moment because I can’t bear the pity, and I can’t hide my pain. I don’t need to be judged today. I am trying to heal.
The south-bounders are getting their legs, so every day I see them running by, excited about the fun, fast-paced breeze. They see my weariness and a sort of worry washes over them.
I thought a lot about Evin today. I have decided to believe in him and believe that this is a moment of separateness that will pass. Being afraid of the future will not change the outcome. If he decides to go and never come back, then he isn’t someone I want to be around.
Doubt is such a serious thing. I wish I could lighten up and see that it really doesn’t matter, but this seems so different. If a connection is there, then it can’t get lost…even in the mud of Vermont.
My greatest sadness is not the pain, being left, being passed, being pitied or frustrated—the greatest sadness is that he isn’t here to pass the day with me, to see the sunrise and stir with me when I open blurry eyes to a new morning.
I wish somehow I could get this off my mind. These pains- my leg, my chest are beginning to feel related. I will have to try very hard not to associate all this pain with him.
I have a sense of being wronged. If he stops or somehow fixes this, then I will go anywhere with him. If he does not, then I am not sure this can ever work. I’m not sure that I feel respected. If we can’t fix this together, then we’re going to start off on an injured foot. He hasn’t been in contact with me in any meaningful way since we parted. This alone is killing me. I wish I could hike off my frustration, but I can’t!!!!